


quid agis

by sleepinnude



Category: Tanis (Podcast), The Black Tapes Podcast
Genre: Alex Reagan - mentioned, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Karl Van Sant - mentioned, M/M, Terry Miles - mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-23
Updated: 2017-02-28
Packaged: 2018-08-10 12:22:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7844767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleepinnude/pseuds/sleepinnude
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nic says that a lot around you: "I never thought of it that way." </p><p>Sometimes you wonder what will happen when you stop surprising him. But that moment isn’t now -- the brilliant wonderment lasts on his face, lasts into him leaning forward, kissing you sloppily. Liddie is back to chewing on the cardboard and you and Nic kiss into the pre-dawn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. unum

Nic promises you that he’s fine. He says it into the warm skin beneath your earlobe, mouths it against the hinge of your jaw, licks it into the dark lines of the tattoo over your heart. You believe him but you’re not sure if you actually believe him or if you’re just happy to have him back. You’re not sure if you actually believe him or if you just don’t want to start a conversation at that moment. Crushing him to your chest is easier, is better. You haven’t had him in days, nearly a week. That’s not that long, in the span of things, but when you don’t know  _ where _ someone is, when you’re not even sure if they’re alive, things get fuzzy. Things get worse.

You didn’t have him, but you do again.

He’ll hear, soon, about you crashing into PNWS studio. After you had been to the hospital, had seen him. Alex or someone will tell him how you were red-faced and panting, furious over how they could let him go off on his own like that, how they could let this happen to him. Someone will tell him about Terry putting a hand to your shoulder and they’ll probably tell him how you had collapsed and wept. Like a child, like the child you had been when Karl got shipped off. Like how you wept when they had finally taken Karl’s body away and you had sunk into the familiar couch upstairs and cradled your head in your hands.

Because you had been alone, then. Until this strange, wonderful man came into your life with a mysterious email linking to a mysterious Craigslist ad. And you drank beer with him, played darts, talked about religion and Doctor Who. You pressed him into walls and he pulled your hair and you weren't alone, not very much. 

Until, of course, you were again.

So you had broken, like a child. Had sunk against the cheap drywall of the studio and took one great gasp like a beached fish and opened into sobs. 

Alex, fierce as she is, small as she is, plagued by her own darkness as she is, curved an arm over your shoulders and led you off to a break room.

So she’ll probably tell him all that. He’ll probably know about that and then the cat will be even further out of the bag than it already is -- you are falling hopeless in love with Nic Silver.

* * *

“Look,” you say with a shy, aw-shucks smile. “If you don’t want to keep on with this anymore, that’s cool, buddy. Just let me know so I can stop wasting both our time, you know?”

There’s something close to horror in his face when he looks up at you from his keyboard. Shakes his head, mouth parted. “What? No, I-- Do-- Is that what you want?”

You laugh and you don’t even have it in you to be cruel about it. You can’t when it comes to Nic because there’s nothing about Nic that’s cruel. Even if he has been avoiding you, you know it hasn’t been on purpose. 

“No, that’s not what I want. I may not be a genius like MK and you and all but I can catch a hint. You’ve been ducking my calls and heading out early for the past--” Well, since he had been all but abducted into the woods. And if this was how he needed to work through whatever it all was, if he needed to ditch you for that, it was fine. 

Nic had come back different, after all.

You don’t mind it, not at all, he’s still Nic and it makes you ache a little, tremble a little. But you’re not looking for an out, that’s not what this is.

Either way, he’s looking down at his lap now and you can tell he’s working through something. “I’m sorry. I… I didn’t mean it that way. I guess-- It makes sense, I can see how you thought all that.”

You wait -- let him take his time. For someone on the radio, he’s not all that great with his words.

“I haven’t been sleeping,” is what he finally says.

Your brow furrows because what? 

“I didn’t...want you to worry.”

You’re next to him in two long strides and you’re in the PNWS studio but you don’t care. Without a thought, you press your forehead to his. “You’re kind of a mess, bud.” He must not have been expecting that because he laughs and it jumps to a hiccup. His eyes close and you can feel the bare weight of his sag against you. “I’ve been worried since before you took your little Boy Scout Trip from Hell.” He laughs again, but this time it’s more a sigh. More worn-out. Just, less there.

You stroke your fingers along his cheek and into his hair, combing through the tousled strands there. Nic practically purrs into your touch and what you murmur into his clammy skin next isn’t really fit for work, but you promise him that you’ll be able to get him to sleep.

* * *

You aren’t.

You aren’t able to get him to sleep.

The nights you spend together, which are getting more and more frequent, are mostly at his place because there’s his dog to think about. Even if he does only have a full-sized bed. 

Those nights, without fail, you wake to an empty bed -- full or not. You wake to a cool spot next to you, to Nic’s shuffling footsteps in the front room. You wake to the dog in the doorway, staring out, whining mournfully.

Some part of you (and fuck, Karl had always called you a stupid romantic and he was right) was hoping that sleeping with you would cure Nic. That having you in bed, to protect him from whatever nightmares or memories or TANIS that was keeping him away would be enough to help him sleep.

It’s partially selfish, but partially selfless, too.

As much as you wanted to be the thing to get him to sleep again, you also  just really want to man to get some sleep.

* * *

He tells you about his name one night, in his apartment, with the dog, Liddie, happily pulling the cardboard carrier of the six-pack apart. He’s slurring his words but it’s still a happy, lilting sort of drunk. His cheeks are that dusky red from alcohol (you remember, suddenly, the way they had gained that color when you had first pressed him into the mattress, held him down and promised all sorts of awful things you would do to him) and his eyes are bright like they haven’t been since they had found him in the godfor-fucking-saken cabin.

You wish silently that he would just give it all up, give all of TANIS up but then he wouldn’t be him if he did that and you love him, you love him, you love him.

Anyway, he tells you about his name. Tells you about Nicodemus and the Rats of Nimh. You exclaim that you had read the book back in secondary school. He smiles that fond smile at you that makes everything inside your stomach go warm.

“Did you like it?” he asks. He’s facing you, sideways on the couch. His elbow is on the headrest, propping up his head. His hair is flopping into his eyes and you reach out to brush it away before answering.

“I remember watching the movie in class,” you say, thinking back. “I liked that.”

You’re afraid he’ll be disappointed that you don’t remember the book but he isn’t. He’s even more animated, having forgotten about the film. He goes on about it for a moment before wandering off mid-sentence. He’s staring at Liddie who looks up at him, snuffles, licks Nic’s hand. He giggles and, fuck, you love him, before getting back to the point -- there was a point to all this, to the origin of his name.

The guy who wrote The Rats of Nimh wrote another book but you get a little lost in his philosophical meandering -- nature and species and immune systems and the world restarting and somehow, all of it has to do with TANIS.

You squint and something catches. “Like the Great Flood?” you ask at him. “Noah and the ark and all that shit?”

He looks at you like you are a sun rising. Slowly, after a moment, he nods. “Something like that, yes. I never… I never thought of it that way.”

He says that a lot around you.  _ I never thought of it that way. _

Sometimes you’re afraid that he only likes you because he’s curious and you’re interesting -- for now. Sometimes you wonder what will happen when you stop surprising him.

That moment isn’t now, though, as the brilliant wonderment lasts on his face, lasts into him leaning forward, kissing you sloppily. Liddie is back to chewing on the cardboard and you and Nic kiss into the pre-dawn.

* * *

In the morning, Nic hasn't slept through the night but he has stayed in bed through the night.

You sing that Michael Jackson song, _Ben_ , to him and burst into laughter.

He rolls his eyes, but he's blushing and smiling that way you love. He leans over, kisses you. Whimpers into it a little, after a moment. Breathes your name, trails a hand under the sheets. 

He's on the edge when you call him by his full name, call him  _Nicodemus_ and he collapses into climax harder than you've ever seen before.   


* * *

When it comes to Cameron Ellis, you and Nic do not argue. You "do not argue" a lot. He tells you about a job offer and you press your lips together. Think about Grey Pancake and putting your fist through the wall. Think about Cameron Ellis buying Karl’s tapes and about Nic not being allowed to have his cell phone on him.

You still remember all too well what happened the last time he couldn’t have his cell phone.

You think all these things and say none of them.

Nic looks at you like a piece of the puzzle he can't figure out but all he says is, "I think I'm going to take the job. Just to see what he wants. See what I can figure out, you know?"

You nod, you know, and you nod. Your lips are pressed together and Liddie tucks her nose further under your thigh.

You don't tell him to be careful because Ellis has been telling him that. You don't tell him that you love him because you're terrified.

He grips your hand anyway, pulls you into his lap and kisses you for hours, bruises the tight line of your lips.

* * *

You wake up the next morning, not in the middle of the night.

Nic is just waking beside you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   1. if anything is chronologically off my apologies! feel free to let me know. i'm going off a single, marathon listening so i'm sure my timeline has gotten fuzzed up along the way.
>   2. that being said, this is of course a little AU/canon divergent-y.
>   3. the title is latin for "what are you thinking?" (literally, "quid agis" translates to something like "how are you" but it was often used as an expression of surprise.)
>   4. please let me know what you think! c:
> 



	2. interlude: crepusculum

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a brief interlude in which nic changes and geoff watches it happen

You see the change, kaleidoscopic. Nic pretends not to notice it in himself but he’s a smart guy. You know he has to know. Has to see the manic gleam in his own eyes.

You used to wake to an empty bed with Nic pacing, up for hours, unable to fall asleep, or stay asleep. Now you wake to a cold bed and, a little while later, Nic comes tumbling in the door. Fresh and panting from a ten mile run. Every morning, ten miles. You give a weak smile, call him your runner. He laughs and heads for the shower.

* * *

 He babbles and trails off in the middle of his sentences, the middle of words sometimes. He talks constantly about the Breach -- he calls it that now. The Breach, never Tanis. Often, though, he just calls it “there.” When he’s _there_ , everything is better. Brighter and sharper. Like there’s more of him there.

You think about children with black eyes.

He paces while he talks, unable to sit still, hands moving and mapping out geography. Liddie follows him in a sort of desperate panic. Her tags jingle and she whines but Nic doesn’t hear. He just keeps talking. Your eyes follow him and when he asks a question, you just nod. Most of his questions are rhetorical, lately. Looking for you to confirm how amazing something is.

You nod. You stop pointing things out. You all but lose your voice.

* * *

Nic is gone when he’s not supposed to be. He keeps his schedule pinned up -- you make plans and arrive at Nic’s apartment only to find it empty. He tells you later he was in the Breach. You don’t say anything, but you know he’s not supposed to be there. You worry about exposure, about what he’s even being exposed to. You worry about Cameron Ellis.

You don't say any of this. You copy schedules into calendars and keep your phone on you at all times. You get jumpy, jittery. 

* * *

 

He shakes and shivers in bed. The power had gone out and some paranoid part of you thinks that it has to have something to do with Tanis. Nic had been listless all night, cagey and moody, like a child that had skipped their afternoon nap. You suggest turning in early once you confirm the power is out and Nic agrees with a muffled hum.

He wakes you up not an hour later. Kicking and gasping, sweating through the sheets. You watch him a moment, unsure of what to do. In your hesitation, his brow smooths and he settles. His eyes aren’t moving under his eyelids and you say his name softly.

He doesn’t respond and you fall back asleep, watching him breathe.

When you wake up the next morning, the bed is empty.

Nic calls you an hour later, breathless and excited. Chattering about a dream and a phone and meeting someone at Parzavala and would you go with him?

Your eyes skip to Liddie, sprawled in the doorway of the bedroom. She makes a noise low in her throat, halfway between a growl and a whine. You rub at your eyes. Tell Nic you wouldn’t miss it for the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this chapter is an apology for the extended wait and also a promise that i haven't forgotten/given up on this story at all!
> 
> basically i really wanted to do a full re-listen to put my thoughts into context and i ran out of the time to do that and everything got derailed. But! I'm mostly done with the re-listen now and am back on track so the second chapter will be coming along very shortly.
> 
> thanks for keeping the interest or checking this out and happy holidays!


	3. janus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in ancient roman myth, the god janus is two-faced so he may look at the past and the future at the same time. he is the god of endings and beginnings, of war and peace, of the passage of time. and of gates and doorways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (janus also rhymes with TANIS c: )  
> this chapter/fic is not compliant with season 3.  
> i was a petty child and threw a tantrum on a plane once i got 5 minutes in and heard nic all but #confirm MK/Nic as canon. so i have yet to listen to the rest of that episode.

You can't decide if you expected Nic to tell you sooner than he told you or later than he told you. You can’t decide if you’re angry that he told MK before he told you. If you were a different sort of person, you might get irrationally jealous. Instead, you just get rationally jealous, so you don’t let it stop you from stepping closer to Nic, putting a hand to the back of his neck. You hate the part of yourself that realizes this is the most like himself he’s been in months.

Parzavella crumpled to flames before your eyes maybe a month ago and Nic didn’t even seem shaken by the fact that it was likely a trap laid for him.

When he tells you about being a child in a dark room, when he tells you about the feel of his hand caught up in the man’s hand, when he tells you about the voice in the dark, you think  _ Nic _ . It sighs through your body. You say it outloud, quietly, press your forehead to his with a hand over the nape of his neck. “Nicodemus.” It’s a hum, a voice in the breaking dawn. He says something back that isn’t quite your name. You ask him to repeat himself and he touches your brow. Calls you Percival before calling you Geoff. 

Some part of you wants to kiss him but some other part of you puts the brakes down. He meets you the rest of the way, breathing out too long through his nose. You say his name, over and again. He promises that it’s all okay. He says it into the warm skin beneath your earlobe, mouths it against the hinge of your jaw, licks it into the dark lines of the tattoo over your heart.

You’re not sure if you actually believe him or if you’re just happy to have him back.

You’re not sure if you actually believe him or if you just don’t want to start a conversation at that moment. Pressing him into the couch is easier. Groaning at the catch of his fingers in your hair is easier. 

Somewhere along the line of it all, you realize that you’re crying. Somewhere along the lines between the two of you, pressing close and sweat-sheened, you realize that he’s crying too. Salt of your bodies of the seismic pressure that’s been crushing silence to diamonds between the two of you.

When he comes, it’s with your name falling over the tip of his tongue in holy litanies, his head thrown back so that his hair is a dark halo over the pillow.

* * *

Early that morning, so early that it should barely be considered morning yet, you find your voice once more.

You shake and he holds you. You tell him you’re terrified and he, after moments and dust motes, admits that he is too. You tell him, weeping again -- like hours before, like months ago when he had first been lost -- that you feel him slipping away. Not just from you, but from everything. You quote him, that he’s more in the Breach so he’s less here so he’s  _ less _ . And you’re afraid that one day there won’t be anything left of him to be less of.

You tell him, softly, that it feels like maybe the Breach, Tanis, is taking bits of him to feed itself.

He wipes your cheeks, cards back your hair. And after a long moment of just looking at you, says, “I never thought of it that way.”

* * *

 

Like many things with the two of you, it happens slowly. He talks about Tanis less. Goes there less. Stops taking Cameron Ellis’s calls, stops dropping bitcoin into MK’s purse.

(You get a text from a string of unrecognizable numbers that just reads: “Take care of him.” and then another one: “Thank you.”)

* * *

Shadows stop moving in corners and sunlight doesn’t seem so weak any more.

* * *

Nic spends more and more time at the studio, like he used to, before. He’s working with another investigative journalist on a new podcast, helping Alex to put together the pieces of Black Tapes season 3. He chatters animatedly about some alternate-reality game called Rabbits. You make a joke about the rats of NIHM. He shoves you so that you teeter off the counter of the break room.

Maybe two weeks down the road, you meet Dr. Richard Strand at some fancy outing that Nic and Alex are honored guests at. You see a haunted strain of Karl in his eyes, but then Nic tells Dr. Strand that you’re his boyfriend, so the glow of that overpowers the grief.

A few hours later, tipsy on good red wine and full of crabcakes, Nic presses you into his bed. There’s real substance to him -- he’s putting on weight again and the shadows under his eyes aren’t so deathly. The last time he missed a date, you called the studio and he was there, caught up in mixing sound for Carly. When he kisses you, there’s some teeth, but otherwise it’s all the taste of Nic. 

* * *

 

Sometime later, necking on the couch with Liddie desperately trying to be a good girl and wait patiently for dinner, you ask him if he misses the mystery.

Nic gasps, makes a put-out noise, asks, “Do you mean the mystery of you? When you were still some good-looking stranger that had the potential to be charming and suave--”

You cut him off with a tongue around the shell of his ear, eliciting a breathy swear and your name in a voice that goes straight to your cock. “No, asshole. I mean, TANIS. The mystery of TANIS.”

He laughs and wiggles to lay back further. He is dark red with arousal and he reaches up to lay a hand over your cheek. “I would’ve thought you figured it out. TANIS is the mystery. TANIS is  _ mystery _ . To solve it would be...to undo it.”

“Paradox,” you murmur, nuzzling into his neck because you can’t stand to look at him and remember to breathe any longer. “TANIS only exists as a mystery and it can’t exist as only a mystery.”

He grips you by the shoulder, pulls you in for a frantic, hot kiss. As he’s scrabbling at your waistband, he gasps out, “I never thought of it like that.”

And then, more sure, “ _ Fuck _ , I love you.”

You say it back and Liddie settles down for the wait and you take Nic to bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as you may have deduced, this is less a story of plot and more a story of dynamics and relationships. as such, it's hard to determine an ending. however, i would say that the two babes have found their conclusion and closure, so that seems like a good enough place to put the fin :)
> 
> thank you so much for reading this and for sticking with it while i slogged through writer's block and figuring things out.♥
> 
> (ps - i just listened to the first episode of Rabbits this morning and it is ENTHRALLING so i definitely suggest giving it a listen!)


End file.
